TEASER FADE IN: INT. BAR - DAY CLIFF, NORM AND FRASIER ARE SEATED AT THEIR USUAL PLACES. WOODY IS BEHIND THE BAR. CLIFF IS READING A TABLOID. CLIFF Would you look at this? "Gorilla Warfare at Boston Zoo." They say here there's a monkey that always tries to bite the same keeper because he's the guy who separated him from his mate two years ago. What kind of idiots do they think read this paper? FRASIER Well, I don't know, Cliff. Modern scientific research indubitably proves that animals can exhibit a certain form of rudimentary intelligence. They can store memories, like humans do. There was a recent study by... (BEAT) Well, I forgot, but it was about various species of primates... NORM Did it include mailmen? CLIFF Sure, Norm. Take your best shot at the post office. We can take it. (BEAT) Say what you want, Frasier, but I know animals, and as far as I'm concerned, it's all dumb instinct. They're no more intelligent than that jukebox over there. Press a button, get a tune. WOODY I don't know, Mr. Clavin. Down on the farm, we had some pretty smart animals... CLIFF Woody, Woody, Woody! How smart could they have been if they just stood there, waiting to be eaten? WOODY Well, we had a dog once who... CLIFF Don't tell me about dogs! There used to be a dog on my route that was tied up in a yard. Every day, I'd get close enough to get his attention, then, when he'd try to jump me, I'd step just out of his reach. He'd get caught in his chain, and make all sorts of noises at me. Ha! You should have seen him. It was a real hoot. WOODY Did he ever catch you, Mr. Clavin? CLIFF No. That stupid mutt never figured out how long his chain was! Then, his owner moved to California. You'll never convince me that animals are intelligent. (GETTING UP) Well, I better go. See you later. CLIFF WALKS OUT. FROM OUTSIDE WE HEAR LOUD, RABID GROWLING AND CLIFF SCREAMING. NORM, FRASIER AND WOODY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN DISBELIEF. FRASIER You don't think... NORM, FRASIER, WOODY(SIMULTANEOUSLY) Nah... ON THEIR REACTIONS: DISSOLVE TO: MAIN TITLES ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. BAR - DAY THE REGULARS ARE ALL THERE, EXCEPT FOR CLIFF. REBECCA COMES OUT OF HER OFFICE CARRYING A LARGE STACK OF PAPERS. REBECCA Sam, I want you to do something for me. SAM Of course. Shall we say, your place? Tonight. At nine. I'll bring the baby oil. REBECCA You're disgusting. (BEAT) No, I've decided things around here would be more efficient if we had an inventory control system. From now on you and Woody will have to keep a log of everything we have in stock. SAM Why? I know what we have. And if we need something, I just order it. REBECCA So why do we have ten cases of Ouzo? SAM We do? REBECCA You know how much demand we have for Ouzo? SAM Well, er... REBECCA We sold three glasses. SAM Last week? REBECCA Last year. CARLA Thanks a lot, Sammy! Now we're all gonna get stuck listenin' to an hour of wisdom from Miss Brain Trust's Little Red Book! REBECCA It's not red, it's blue, but I don't see what difference the color makes. This is an excellent business practice, and I'm sure we all want Cheers to be well run and happy. SAM Well, I know I'll be a lot happier if I don't have to start filling out a bunch of forms and other stupid stuff. REBECCA But what about the customers? There was a man who got stuck in the bathroom last week because he'd run out of toilet paper. That wouldn't happen if we took proper inventory. CARLA That guy was a jerk. That's what the newspaper is there for. REBECCA(SIGH) I'm not finished with this subject yet, but right now, I'm going to go into my office to bang my head against the wall. REBECCA WALKS BACK TO HER OFFICE. WE HEAR A THUMP. REBECCA (O.S.)(A SLIGHTLY MUFFLED SCREAM) Aargh! WOODY Miss Howe's going to have to get her office painted again if she keeps doing that. CLIFF WALKS INTO THE BAR. HE'S CARRYING AN ENORMOUS, EXTREMELY UGLY, DECREPIT MOOSE HEAD. CLIFF Hello there, everybody. EVERYONE AD LIBS "HI, CLIFF!" "HELLO, CLIFF!" ETC. CLIFF Notice anything different about me? CARLA Nah. You look as stupid as usual, but your twin brother there doesn't look like he's doing too well. SAM Where'd you get that thing from? It stinks! What the heck are you doing with it anyway? CLIFF You're looking at a Clavin family heirloom, Sam. It's been in our family for generations, and I've just inherited it. This moose was my great-grand-uncle Elmer's trusted companion when he was delivering mail in the Klondike during the gold rush. Her name was "Carmen." CARLA I always figured insanity ran in your family. CLIFF I'll have you know, I think this moose head is the largest one ever recorded. Not only is the antler spread of outstanding quality and size, but the depth of the head from the tip of its nose to the back is bigger than any other one ever measured. This moose was a queen among, er, meese. NORM I'd say that she probably smells worse than anything else ever recorded too. WOODY That's not true, Mr. Peterson. Once on our farm, we had a pig named Lulu-Belle that... NORM So, Cliffy, what's the point of all that? CLIFF Carmen's going to get me a place in the Guinness Book of World Records. I'll have the biggest moose head ever recorded. CARLA Yeah, and the biggest dumb head. NORM I don't know, Carla. I think he might be on to something. It's certainly the ugliest object ever known to man, and the worst smelling too. CLIFF Go ahead. Do your worst. You're all just jealous because none of you has a moose head. WOODY You're right, Mr. Clavin. I'd sure love to have one like that back in my apartment. I think it's the neatest thing I've ever seen. CLIFF Thanks, Woody. I don't know what the rest of you are talking about. I don't think Carmen smells so bad. REBECCA ENTERS FROM HER OFFICE, CARRYING PAPERS. REBECCA These are the forms that... What's that horrible smell? (SHE SEES THE MOOSE HEAD) Eeeek! What's that repulsive thing? SAM Something Cliff here's just inherited from his uncle. Her name's Carmen. REBECCA Inherited? I didn't think anybody could hate someone in his family that much. Anyway, I don't care where it comes from, I want it out of here. CLIFF I'm not letting this baby out of my sight until after I get a meeting with the Guinness Book. I wouldn't put it past old Tuttle to try and pretend Carmen was a member of his family. REBECCA You must be joking! Anybody who'd want to lay claim to that lice-infested abomination would have to be insane. CARLA No more than ol' friend of theas here! CLIFF I'll have you both know that this fine specimen of wildlife could not possibly support any parasites, given the fact that it has been preserved by several generations of careful and dedicated Clavin hands. WOODY EXAMINES THE MOOSE HEAD CLOSELY. WOODY Gee, Mr. Clavin, I think Miss Howe's got something there. Take a look. You can see the little fellas crawling around all over the place. CLIFF(HE LOOKS CLOSER) Oh my Lord! You're right. The damned thing's infested! EVERYBODY ELSE GETS AS FAR AWAY FROM CLIFF AND THE MOOSE HEAD AS POSSIBLE. CLIFF STARTS SCRATCHING LIKE CRAZY. CARLA I always knew Clavin was buggy. Now I've got the proof! CLIFF Given this, er, new development, I will temporarily store Carmen in a place that's a little more secure while I wait for my interview. SAM Any place will be fine, as long as it's nowhere near here. CARLA Try the city dump. I'm sure they'll take real good care of it. CLIFF HEADS FOR THE DOOR, HOLDING THE MOOSE HEAD FAR AWAY FROM HIS BODY. BEFORE HE CAN GET TO THE DOOR, ONE OF THE ANTLERS STARTS TO FALL OFF. NOBODY OFFERS A HAND. CLIFF Do you think one of you guys might be able to give me a hand here? NORM (HIS MUG IS OBVIOUSLY EMPTY) I'd love to, buddy, but I'm afraid my brew'll get warm. Care to oblige me here, Sam? WOODY VAULTS OVER THE TOP OF THE BAR WOODY I'll give you a hand, Mr. Clavin. I don't see why everybody's makin' such a fuss over a few itty bitty littleas. CLIFF Thanks, Woody. You're a real pal. Not like some other people I could mention! WOODY MANEUVERS AROUND CLIFF TO OPEN THE DOOR. HE GOES OUTSIDE TO GIVE CLIFF ENOUGH ROOM TO GET OUT. CLIFF'S FEET GO UP THE STEPS PAST THE WINDOW, THEN WE SUDDENLY HEAR A LOUD CRASH. CLIFF (O.S.) Oh my god! CLIFF RUNS BACK INTO THE BAR. CLIFF (CONT'D) She's got him! Carmen's killed Woody! SAM Calm down there, Cliff. What are you talking about? CLIFF Carmen! She started to fall apart, and when I tried to catch one of her antlers, I tripped and she fell on top of Woody's head. I think he's dead! SAM Oh my God! SAM, FRASIER AND REBECCA RUN OUT OF THE BAR. CLIFF STARTS TO GO OUT TOO, BUT CARLA STOPS HIM. CARLA You're gonna get the chair for this, Clavin! And I'm gonna be there right in the front row watchin' you fry! CLIFF Normy, you know I didn't do anything. It wasn't my fault, I swear! NORM I don't know, Cliff. Assault with a deadly Moose... Sounds pretty serious to me. REBECCA COMES BACK IN, FOLLOWED BY SAM AND FRASIER, SUPPORTING A VERY GROGGY WOODY. CLIFF He's all right! Thank God, I'm off the hook! FRASIER Your concern is quite touching, Cliff, but we could use a hand over here. CLIFF Yeah, yeah... right. HE HELPS THE OTHERS PROP WOODY IN A CHAIR. SAM Woody, are you okay? WOODY Aw, Mom, do I have to go to school today? Can't I just stay home and play in the mud? CARLA Good goin', Clavin! Just what the kid needed. Something else getting knocked loose upstairs. WOODY(HE'S SUDDENLY REALIZED WHERE HE IS) Why's everybody standing around and staring at me? What's wrong? REBECCA Are you feeling okay, Woody? WOODY Sure. Why wouldn't I be? REBECCA Cliff's moose fell and hit you on the head. Don't you remember? WOODY Is that what happened? I thought it had gotten dark awfully fast. CLIFF(STRAINED) Ha-ha! That's our Woody! REBECCA Woody, maybe you should see a doctor just to be on the safe side. CARLA Yeah, maybe Clavin here will even pay for it to keep himself from being sued. CLIFF No chance. Besides, you can't be sued for an act of nature. NORM Actually, Cliff, I'm not so sure that this could be termed an act of nature. CLIFF You want to put a sock in it, Normy. (BEAT) So, Woody, we'll let bygones be bygones, okay? WOODY Sure, Mr. Clavin. REBECCA Why don't you take the rest of the day off and go home to rest. WOODY Really, I'm okay Miss Howe. I just want to get back behind the bar and forget the whole thing. Besides, you're going to need me for the party. REBECCA What party? WOODY The victory party from the softball team. They're going to be here in a couple of minutes. SAM But there's no party scheduled for tonight. REBECCA See, Woody? We'll be fine here. CLIFF Woody, Woody, you should go home and take a nice rest. Give the chickens some time to get back to the coop, as it were. JUST THEN THE DOOR OF THE BAR OPENS AND A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE RUSHES IN. THEY'RE ALL WEARING SOFTBALL UNIFORMS. SOFTBALL PLAYER We really showed those guys good! What a game! Hey, let's have some beers over here, bartender! THE OTHER PLAYES AD LIB "YEAH!" "A BEER!" ETC. SAM (GETTING THE DRINKS) I don't believe it. I just don't believe it. REBECCA They must have called before. Yes, that's it, they called and Woody forgot to tell us. Right, Woody? WOODY Who called, Miss Howe? No, I don't remember any call. REBECCA Maybe it's just a coincidence. CLIFF Yeah, yeah, everyone knows that bunch parties all the time. Pretty disgusting, if you ask me. CARLA Oh no, it's no coincidence. I tell you what it is, it's the Sight. Woody's got the Sight! REBECCA What are you talking about, Carla? ESP or something? SAM Come on, Carla, you're putting us on! CARLA No, Sam. My grandmother had it. She even saw the time of her own death. SAM Ah, I don't believe in that kind of stuff for a second. CLIFF Right! Don't listen to her, Sammy! That's all a bunch of superstitious medieval garbage, like sacrificing pigs or reading the entrails of chickens. Hey, Carla, do they have a sports section in your daily poultry? CARLA Yeah? Gimme a knife and you'll see if I need glasses to read you! FRASIER Carla... Russian claims to the contrary, clairvoyant abilities have never been able to be satisfactorily duplicated under laboratory conditions. To put it succinctly, I'd say it's all poppycock. REBECCA Dr. Crane's right, Carla, that's ridiculous. Things like that don't exist. CARLA They don't, huh? That's what you all think? You think I'm some kind of nut? (TURNING TO WOODY) Come on, Woody. Show these bozos you've got the Sight. Predict something. WOODY Gee, I don't know if I can. CARLA Sure you can. Concentrate. WOODY CLOSES HIS EYES FOR A FEW SECONDS. THE OTHERS ALL WAIT EXPECTANTLY. FINALLY, WOODY OPENS HIS EYES AGAIN. WOODY I don't know... CARLA Come on. Tell us what you saw. WOODY Well, I think I saw Carla saying something really mean to Mr. Clavin... CLIFF What kind of prediction is that? CARLA I'd say it's a pretty accurate one, marshmallow brain! WOODY ... And also Mr. Peterson's wife being real mad at him. CLIFF Ha! I rest my case. This is ridiculous! I feel stupid participating in such a childish experiment. CARLA I've got news for you, stamp breath... SUDDENLY, THE PHONE RINGS. SAM GRABS IT. SAM Yeah?... (TO NORM) Norm, it's for you. Vera. NORM TAKES THE CALL. HE AD LIBS, "HMM, HMM, YEAH," ETC. MEANWHILE, THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM EAGERLY. HE HANGS UP. NORM How does she expect me to know that leaving an open can of paint in the fridge would make the food taste funny? That woman is impossible. THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER, WITH DOUBT IN THEIR EYES. CARLA Ah, you see! REBECCA No, I agree with Frasier and Sam. None of this is anything more than a strange series of coincidences CARLA Okay, that's it! I give up! I might as well be trying to explain arithmetic to a bunch of monkeys! But the Sight can't be ignored. You'll see, you'll be sorry. REBECCA Well, I'm glad the matter's closed anyway. Now, Sam, I want you to look carefully at each of these forms... SAM ROLLS HIS EYES AND TAKES THE PAPERS. REBECCA BEGINS TO SHOW HIM ONE FORM AFTER ANOTHER. NORM Well, I don't know about you, but all that spooky stuff sure makes me thirsty. How about another beer? CLIFF Yeah. Pour one for me too, Woody. FRASIER I think I'll have one too. CARLA Hey, Woody, before wetting the whistles of the three blockheads here, get me a scotch rocks and a Pina Colada for those two over there. (SHE POINTS WITH HER HEAD TO A COUPLE SITTING AT A TABLE NOT TOO FAR BEHIND CLIFF. THEN, TO CLIFF) You know, Clavin, now that Woody has the Sight, he's gonna be able to see all the bad things that are just waiting to happen to you. CLIFF I can't think of much worse than being in a room with you. CARLA Guess you don't spend much time alone, then, huh? WOODY GIVES CARLA THE DRINKS SHE ORDERED AND SHE WALKS OVER TO THE COUPLE'S TABLE. THERE, SHE GIVES THE PINA COLADA TO THE WOMAN (WHO IS FACING CLIFF). FRASIER You know, Cliff, fear of the paranormal is really a sublimated form of classic necrophobia -- fear of death. It's quite normal. It's actually the basis of some of our oldest superstitions. CLIFF Well, I've never been superstitious in my life, touch wood. (BEAT) Hey, Woody. What happened to my beer? Things are getting pretty dry around here. WOODY Sorry, Mr. Clavin. It's coming right up. WOODY DRAWS THREE BEERS, GIVES ONE EACH TO NORM AND FRASIER, BUT SETS CLIFF'S DOWN A FEW FEET AWAY FROM HIM. CLIFF Hey, what's the idea, Woody? You serving the Invisible Man or what? You're not holding some kind of grudge, are you? WOODY Oh, no, Mr. Clavin, but I just don't want you to get hit. CLIFF What are you talking about? Nobody's going to hit me. WOODY I'm not worried about a person hitting you. But if you stay over there, you're going to get hit by a coconut. REBECCA STOPS TALKING BUSINESS WITH SAM. REBECCA That's it. I knew it. Somebody better call a doctor. SAM Calm down. Woody, what are you talking about? How could anybody get hit with a coconut in a bar in Boston? WOODY I don't know, Sam. I just know it's going to happen if Mr. Clavin stays sitting where he is. CLIFF I think this is as good a time as any to prove to the kid that that stuff is just plain ridiculous. I'm staying right here. Woody, give me my beer. WOODY Well, all right. But don't say I didn't warn you. CARLA WALKS BACK FROM SERVING THE DRINKS CARLA I can't wait to see this. Nobody could deserve it more than chimp brain, there. FROM THE TABLE WHERE CARLA SERVED THE DRINKS EARLIER, THE VOICES OF THE COUPLE GET VERY LOUD AND ARGUMENTATIVE. THE MAN AND THE WOMAN BEGINS TO ARGUE LOUDLY, AD LIBBING, "YES, YOU DID!" "NO, I DIDN'T" "YOU DID" "DIDN'T," ETC. FEMALE CUSTOMER You're nothing but a philandering pig! THE WOMAN PICKS UP HER DRINK AND THROWS IT AT THE MAN, BUT HE DUCKS AND THE LIQUID HITS CLIFF'S BACK INSTEAD. CARLA WIPES HER FINGER IN THE MESS AND TASTES IT. CARLA Yep. I'd have to say that that is definitely coconut! Ha! Ha! Ha! EVERYONE LOOK STUNNED. CARLA WALKS AWAY, A TRIUMPHANT LOOK ON HER FACE. NORM(HUMS THE THEME TO THE TWILIGHT ZONE) FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. BAR - DAY SAM AND WOODY ARE BEHIND THE BAR, AND CARLA IS SERVING DRINKS. THE BAR IS UNUSUALLY CROWDED. FRASIER WALKS IN. EVERYBODY AD LIBS "HI FRASIER!" ETC. FRASIER A beer, please, Sam. SAM(GIVING FRASIER HIS DRINK) How's it going, Frasier? FRASIER Things are crazy -- and I mean that literally! SAM In your business I guess that's pretty good, huh? FRASIER You bet. And from the look of things around here, you don't seem to be doing badly either. There was a smaller crowd last year at the Psychiatric Institute's symposium on Nymphomania. SAM They're all here to see Woody. FRASIER To see Woody? SAM Yeah. Word seems to have spread about him being able to predict stuff. I'll tell you, I just don't understand how so many people found out about it. JUST THEN, CLIFF AND A YOUNG MAILMAN WALK INTO THE BAR. CLIFF I'm telling you it's the greatest thing I've ever seen. The guy never misses. It's uncanny. Sends shivers right up your spine MAILMAN Gosh! Are you sure I'll be able to get a tip from him? CLIFF Sure, I'll introduce you. After all, the kid owes it all to me. MAILMAN Gee, thanks, Clavin, you're a pal. I'll finally be able to afford Mom's operation! CLIFF Think nothing of it. Always loyal to the brothers in Postal blue. THE MAILMAN STARTS HEADING TOWARDS WOODY. CLIFF Er, just remember my ten percent when the pony comes in. CARLA WALKS TOWARDS CLIFF. CARLA There's your answer, Sammy. The only person in the world whose mouth should be registered as a deadly weapon. CLIFF How can you say that? I only told a few trusted friends. CARLA Yeah? And what about that article in the Postal Gazette? "Mailman Delivers Psychic To Boston Bar." SAM Cliff, you didn't? CLIFF Urmph. It's to help Woody. You know, build his reputation. The kid needs professional management. And what good are friends if they can't help each other? SAM Woody doesn't need a reputation or management. He just wants to be left alone. CARLA Yeah, the kid needs friends like you, like he needs another hole in the head. FRASIER Excuse me, but surely you can't mean that you're still taking all that hogwash seriously. I could understand how an unsophisticated, presumably relatively illiterate and pulsion-driven person like Carla could fall for that sort of thing but... CARLA Hey, I'm not sure what you just called me, but it didn't sound nice. Watch your mouth, egg face. FRASIER See what I mean? But surely no clear thinking, rational person could be taken in by that Sight business. NORM RUSHES INTO THE BAR, PANTING AND OUT OF BREATH, AND RUNS OVER TO WOODY. NORM Woody, my friend for life, thank you, thank you, thank you! WOODY Heck, it's nothing, Mr. Peterson. Really. NORM Don't say that! It was amazing. Who would have guessed there'd be such a sudden boom in semi-gloss blue? Two weeks ago, nobody wanted it, except for nurseries, and then only for boys. Now, it's all over town. And guess who bought the last two hundred cans of those babies and is making a mint? (TO ALL) The next round's on me! THE CROWD AD LIBS "THANKS NORM" "YAY!" "WHAT A PAL", ETC. FRASIER That's amazing! Does this, er, kind of thing happen often? SAM Oh, pretty much all the time. REBECCA WALKS IN AND KISSES WOODY LIGHTLY ON THE CHEEK. REBECCA Woody, you're wonderful. That financial forecast was just incredible. The Board went wild over the figures. At their age, forecasts are one the few things that still excite them. It was such a thrill! (BEAT) I also ordered more toilet paper, just like you recommended. WOODY My pleasure, Miss Howe. SHE GOES INTO THE BACK ROOM. FRASIER Amazing. Truly amazing. Perhaps he could help me with one or two little problems I've been having with my stock portfolio lately. Purely as a scientific experiment, of course. After all, one must keep an open mind. CARLA Ha! The thinking, rational man is going to slum in the caves with the Flintstones! What's next, a little voodoo ceremony around the old couch? SAM I think Woody's getting pretty tired of everybody asking for predictions. CLIFF Come on, Woody doesn't mind. He loves the attention. NORM(POINTING TOWARDS WOODY.) Yeah, look, he's surrounded by his adoring public. SAM I think he just wishes people would leave him alone. JUST THEN, AN OLD LADY GOES UP TO WOODY AND GRABS HOLD OF HIS HAND. OLD LADY Please, young man, I need to know. Who's going to win the Senior Citizens 10K Wheelchair Race? If I put my pension on the right one I can retire to Sun City! WOODY(TRYING TO GET HIS HAND BACK) I think Mr. Tubb is going to be first in a photo finish with Mr. Silas. OLD LADY Bless you sonny. I'm going to name a cat after you. THE OLD LADY HEADS OUT OF THE BAR AT A TROT. WOODY You know, I'm starting to get pretty fed up with all of this. Everybody's treating me differently than before. It's like the way folks used to treat Mrs. Walker back home. Just because she knew how to grow huge watermelons, and she had a black cat. You should have seen the way they acted around her. They made all sorts of funny signs. (HE DOES HEX SIGNS.) You'd never guess what they thought she was. NORM A witch? WOODY A witch? Why would they think something that stupid? NORM Oh, I dunno, just a wild guess. WOODY No, they thought she was from California. SAM Anyway, None of us are treating you differently, buddy. CLIFF Er, Woody, are you sure I can't have some more of your laundry to take home and do? I promise I won't put starch in your shorts anymore. WOODY See what I mean? NORM Woody's right. Sammy, how about putting on the tube? SAM That's a great idea. It'll take our minds off all this stuff. (TURNING IT ON.) What do you want to watch? NORM Well, er, the races are starting soon, and I thought we might give it the old college try. (HE PRODUCES A RACING FORM.) So, Woody, who do you think has a chance in the first race? SAM Hey, guys, don't you think you're going a bit too far with this? WOODY It's okay, Sam! I don't mind helping. Besides, if I don't do it, they're going to cry, and I can't stand to see grown people cry. NORM Right you are, it's not a pretty sight. We're not proud, just broke. So, which one's the winning pony? WOODY Butte, then Ironside in the second. CLIFF Wait a minute, lemme write all that down... Boy, oh boy! FRASIER Would you mind if I were to place a small bet with you? CLIFF Be my guest, Dr. Crane! This is triple exacta day! FRASIER Say, fifty bucks. Purely as a test, of course. CARLA You all make me puke! I've never seen anything more disgusting in my life, and I know disgusting. I was married to a Tortelli. NORM Hey, what's bugging you? You were the one who convinced us about this Sight business. So what's the problem? CLIFF I bet she wants a cut. Right, Carla? Need a little extra to feed the ravening Tortelli hordes? CARLA Quiet, Clavin, you make things lying at the bottom of ponds look attractive. I told you this before, the Sight should never be used for making money. It's a gift. "They" don't like it. WOODY Who are "they", Carla? CARLA The spirits. You know, the dead guys. They'll do something really bad if you keep on doing this. FRASIER That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard. "The dead guys." You can't really believe that? CARLA I believe that just like I believe in the Sight. And I have good reasons for it too. CLIFF What kind of reasons? Did your grandmother invite spooks over for tea? CARLA Laugh if you want, but I know someone who made fun of my grandmother, and he was sorry he did. NORM What happened to him? CARLA She married him, and that man regretted it every day for the rest of his very short life. NORM Well, I'm not worried. I'm already married to Vera. Your "dead guys" can't be worse. So, Woody, what say we get on with the business at hand? SUDDENLY THERE'S A TWANG OF ORIENTAL MUSIC, AND AN IMPRESSIVE-LOOKING TURBANED HINDU WALKS INTO THE BAR. HINDU I am here to see the one known as Woody. WOODY I'm Woody. I guess you want me to predict something for you, huh? HINDU No. I am here to give you a warning. WOODY A warning? HINDU You are playing with forces about which you know nothing. Stop now, before a terrible danger befalls you. CLIFF Hey, I didn't know the circus was in town. What's the matter, bub, you having a slow night over in the sideshow? Does your "mummy" know you're out? HINDU You must be Clavin. The spirits have told me about you -- and the various items you order in plain brown envelopes. You rank high on the list of those on whom they plan to feed. CLIFF To FEED? Like in food? Eat? HINDU Precisely. Remember, Woody. A great darkness befalls all who abuse the powers of the beyond. (BEAT) Good-night, gentlemen. THE HINDU LEAVES ACCOMPANIED BY ANOTHER "TWANG." THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN ASTONISHMENT. NORM Whoa, Cliffy. This is really goose-bump city! Looks like you're going to be item number one on the menu at the Spirit cafeteria. CLIFF You don't think I believe that kind of stuff? It takes more than a reject from the late night double bill to scare a Clavin. NOISE FROM THE TV CLEARLY INDICATES THAT THE FIRST RACE HAS NOW STARTED. NO ONE MOVES. CARLA Hey, blue plate special, I notice the race is starting and you didn't rush to place a bet. CLIFF I'm just testing. If Butte wins in this one, then I'll bet on Ironside in the second. THE TV ANNOUNCES BUTTE WINS. THE SECOND RACE IS ABOUT TO BEGIN. NORM What are we going to do? Ironside is a twenty-to-one long shot. This is our chance to make it big. CLIFF Yeah, but what about the spirits? You heard the guy. I don't want to end up on a grill. CARLA Don't worry, Clavin, you'd probably give them indigestion anyhow. MEANWHILE, WOODY SILENTLY WALKS AWAY. THE SECOND RACE IS ANNOUNCED. NORM They're getting ready to run. So what do we do? CLIFF I don't know. THE TV ANNOUNCES THE START OF THE RACE. SUDDENLY, THERE IS A LOUD BANG. REBECCA RUNS IN FROM THE CORRIDOR. REBECCA Woody knocked himself on the head in the poolroom! THEY ALL RUSH OUT, AND COME BACK CARRYING WOODY. SAM What'd you go do that for? WOODY I couldn't stand seeing everybody so upset over not making anymore money, and being cursed. I figured if I got the Sight with a knock on the head, then another one would get rid of it. FRASIER Brilliant! How come I didn't think of it. CARLA Maybe it has to do with having the intelligence of a carrot? CLIFF Does that mean you can't tell which horse is gonna win in the third race.? WOODY CONCENTRATES. THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM EXPECTANTLY. WOODY Dandelion? A FEW SECONDS GO BY. THE TV ANNOUNCES THE WINNER. IT'S NOT DANDELION. THEY ALL CHEER. CLIFF Well, easy come, easy go. SAM Look, you didn't want to end up as shishkabob, so it's better like this. REBECCA Come on everybody, have one on the house. CARLA Hey, Woody, a scotch rocks. WOODY Coming up. THE BAR SLOWLY EMPTIES AND RETURNS TO NORMAL. CUT TO: INT. BAR - NIGHT IT'S CLOSING TIME. EVERYONE IS GONE BUT SAM, WHO'S COUNTING THE CASH. THE HINDU WALKS IN NOW DRESSED IN NORMAL CLOTHES. SAM Hey, Sanjeev! I see you got rid of that spooky music. SANJEEV That was my brother. He plays the sitar over at the Tandoori Palace. I thought it was a nice touch. SAM Worked great. You scared the pants off them. SANJEEV And what about Woody? SAM He hit himself on the head so he couldn't predict anything anymore. I think life's going to get back to normal around here pretty quick. SANJEEV I'm leaving tonight for Los Angeles. I've got a TV commercial to do. Could we take care of business? SAM Oh, sure. Lemme tell you, it was the best money I've ever spent. Well, maybe not the best, but still worth every penny of it. (HE HANDS SANJEEV SOME MONEY) JUST THEN WOODY WALKS INTO THE BAR FROM THE BACK. SAM AND SANJEEV LOOK EMBARRASSED. SAM Woody, what are you doing here? WOODY I was taking inventory for Miss Howe. Now that I can't predict stuff anymore, I guess that's the only thing to do. (BEAT) She's going to be upset with you, Sam. I've just found two more cases of Ouzo behind the Gin. SAM Er, Woody, this is Sanjeev, an old friend of mine. He's, well, er, he's not really, I mean, he... WOODY It's okay, Sam. I kind of figured that stuff wasn't for real. SAM You did? Why not? I thought he was terrific. Weren't you terrific, Sanjeev? SANJEEV Well, maybe I overdid it a bit with that feeding business... WOODY It's not that. But I don't believe in that kind of supernatural stuff. Back home, they tried to exorcise Mrs. Walker's watermelon patch, but she just kept growing them bigger and bigger. But thanks anyway, Sam. SANJEEV I'm happy for you. People should make their own decisions, not count on someone else's predictions. Besides, a gift like this is more a curse than a blessing. WOODY I know what you mean. Someone even tried to book me for Donahue. SAM And?... WOODY Come on, Sam, he's opposite Oprah. (BEAT) I'd better go now. Nice meeting you, Sanjeev. Your commercial's going to go great in California. WOODY LEAVES. SAM Wait a minute! How'd he know about your commercial? You don't think he could... Or could he? THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AMAZED, AS WE CUT TO BLACK. END OF ACT TWO